Is that a light I see?

There.  At the end of the tunnel?

whew.

I have to tell you, this is a bad time of year for an intermediate teacher.  Testing season is upon us and the pressure is building.  I hate it.  In addition, the issues with Boy 1 and also the fact that we have to formally hold Boy 2 back have my heart and mind tired.  I totally was planning that with Boy 2, but it would have been nice to know that I didn't have to, but...we have to.  No worries though.  Just an emotional time.  Spring Break is coming, yes?

So, today, I think I saw the light.  I *think* we are making progress.  I'm seeing a shift from "routine and I have to" to "I want to do this for you."  It makes me sit back and wonder.

I need to add a couple of things:

I have added a vitamin drink to Boy 1's regimen, along with adding omega 3 vitamins.  I also moved back med dosage time and the combination of these things is extremely promising.  I can see where things are lasting a little longer into the afternoon and I'm seeing more of my sweet boy's potential, vs. his flaky brain.  Whatever the real reason for the success is, I don't care, I will take it.  Gladly.

We are a month in.  It hasn't been easy.  Even this week I seriously considered NOT having Boy 2 be in charge of dinner cause I was SO TIRED.  I didn't let him do as much as I should have, but he did most.

Laundry:  This was the first week that not a word was uttered about any of it.  They usually gripe bringing it down, or folding, or hanging or thinking about it.  This week was peaceful.  I did help with a little folding due to bedtime, but they still did the majority of it.  They also found out they could work together and it got done faster.  GENIUS.

Rats:  Again, little or no whining.  We all worked together.  No whining but asking for help if they couldn't lift or reach something.  I'll take it.

Dinners:  Great!  I have been pleasantly surprised at their choices.

There are two things I want to bring up though.  (again, don't know if it's the adjustment in meds and supplements, or it finally just "clicked")

Last night, my boys were playing with the wonderful boys across the street.  Two of them are the same age as mine and then one younger one.  The gang of 5 is a hoot.  They play remarkably well together.  The oldest of both families are very alike and that's good, they get a taste of their own medicine.

The littlest brother, 3, fell and scraped his head pretty good.  Both of the oldest boys ran to their own homes and got parents.  I need to tell you, that MY child doesn't usually show any empathy at all.  I was quite shocked that 1: he even thought to get help and 2: he was genuinely concerned for the little guy.  Baby steps.

Then there's today.  I saw the light today.

I let the boys play with our friends across the street.  We are finally seeing sun and warmer temps and it's wonderful.  I made a kid friendly dinner that was easy.  I called them in.  No whining.  really?  Once we got in, magic happened.

Boy 1 went straight to wash hands and face.  He came back and got the plates out and joined me at the stove.  He then started serving food on everyone's plate, asking how much we wanted.  (what?)  Boy 2 headed for the silverware drawer and asked what silverware we needed for dinner.  I took food to the table while the boys get their drinks.  I sat down and little one says, "I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, but can you please get me milk?  It's too heavy for me."  (what?)

I'm on candid camera, right?

There were a few other sweet and wonderful things, they cleared the table, they helped with trash.  They helped each other.  And they said they wanted to help ME.  (what?)

I am fully aware that this could be a one in a million evening.  But after I told them how happy my heart was, how proud I was of them and how sweet they are, their little spirits soared and their own self worth went through the roof.

THAT'S what I'm after.  Pride.  Compassion.  Generosity.  Contribution.

Which hat to wear? Internal battle of being a Mom/Teacher and finding the line of support vs. rescuing

We are about three weeks in since my all out proclamation that my kids needed to change and that change started with me.  I've been going back and forth about this, feeling guilty that I did this, then feeling sad I let this happen, then mad I let this happen and then just plain confused about how on earth this happened!!!

On the flip side though, I think the most powerful things that make me want to change are from the teacher/parent aspect.  I'm flat out amazed at what these parents are doing for their kids.  (or not letting their kids do).

Here is one of my battles:

Oldest monkey has ADHD.  After some rough months in first grade, hubby and decided to try meds to "rule it out" or "rule it in."  They worked.  But it wasn't that easy, it took a long time to find one that didn't him barf in the car or make him so depressed that he said he didn't deserve Christmas.  ACK.  We have settled on one that works for us.  Yes it messes with his appetite a bit, but overall he does well.  As he's grown a lot this year, of course the dose is no longer enough.  I tried to up it, but it was another case of depression and feeling down so that's a no go.  We are currently looking into supplements and vitamins to support his terrible diet.  He also has some moderately intense sensory issues so sometimes food is just YUCK.

Mom side:

I can't raise meds, I'm doing what I can.  After a crazy morning trying to get out the door I got to school and realized he hadn't had his meds.  I saw his teacher in the work room and told her.  Without going into details, and after my crazy long morning in which little one's 100 day project fell apart on the way in and oldest one couldn't get a pill down and I thought he was going to puke, I felt I could tell that this wasn't a good thing.  My heart sank.  Is that how she perceives my kid?  That her life will be awful without meds?  After a rough morning I was in tears.  So, in my worry that he would have a bad day, I called his dad and had him bring his meds.  Is this a rescue?  Who did I rescue?  Her?  Him? Should I have done that?  No?  I'm still chewing on this.  I know that he needs them but a day off, is that bad?  I will say that our evenings are bananas.  Mornings too for that matter.  Meds are gone and I'm lucky if he finds his way to his room.   Between backpacks, iPads, lunches and anything else, it's by the grace of God we even get to school each day.  His Valentine's were due today.  I put them on the table for him.  Told him they were on the table.  Told him again they were on the table.  Told him to get his coat on and get his Valentines.  Nope, they stayed on the table.  But I didn't have Dad bring them, they stayed at home.  We did put them in the car the second we got home today to avoid another morning like this morning.

Teacher side:

I'm not gonna lie, I have lots of kiddos on meds.  Yes, I can usually tell when they haven't had them.  Yes, those days can be challenging.  Yes, I've occasionally emailed mom and asked if they indeed had meds because sometimes they really can't get a thought out and I want to know is this a bad day or other reasons.  I will make sure though that from now on, I will think about what I say.  I also expect them to do things at home for me, homework etc.  When they don't, I get frustrated.  Then I think about what we can do at night (and it's nil).  How many other families are fighting this?  Surely we aren't the only ones?  But yet I have expectations for my class too.  And then I throw in this, "well he's only in 2nd grade and I teach 5th" blah blah blah.  I'm afraid I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth.

I sat in a meeting last month for a kiddo that just doesn't do anything.  Totally capable, doesn't do it.  We brought mom in and talked about homework and studying and how it looks at home.  She said that the kid gets mad and the mom feels that he can only push him so far and then she stops pushing because she's afraid that the kid will get "too mad."  um, what?  I use this super cool service called Remind101 that I can send text messages to parents and kids with little reminders, test tomorrow, bring your field trip money etc.  Just about every text I have sent I get an email response saying that this student felt bad the night before and couldn't do the work.  In my mind, this kid runs the house.  I say I fele bad, don't have to do the work.  Mom will let Mrs. S know.  really?  This is one occurrence of many each week of the little ways, or what seem little to the parents, that parent are rescuing their kids.  And they don't even realize.

Dilemma:

I try not do to do those things for my kid with ADHD.  I do feel that he's misunderstood.  I try and warn teachers that he was up at 5 for no reason.  I do email and say I forgot to pack his iPad cause he just can't do it, but yet I want my 5th graders to do it.  I do email and say I forgot to tell him I put his homework in his bag, cause again, there are times where he just can't. (again, I am just happy we make it upstairs at night)   Rescue?  No?  How do I know?  How do I not become two faced?

Obviously, I have some soul searching to do.  I don't want to be a mom who blames the teacher for his bad grades because I know how that feels and it certainly isn't her fault.  I don't want to seem like an unsupportive mom because I don't rescue him or help him with his homework every night, but I don't want to do it all for him either.  I want him to fail, but I don't want him to hurt.  I want him to learn to trust himself, yet I don't trust myself somedays.  I'd really love for his little brain to slow down so he could remember, but it won't.  I'd really love to say that I have time to sit down with each kid each night and read for 30 minutes, and study spelling and do math and make dinner and pack lunch and backpacks, but I don't.  Where do I draw the line?

I just.  don't.  know.

Step 1 update: how we are doing and what we are doing next

Well, about two weeks in and things are still going pretty well.  However, the honeymoon is ending, I can feel it.  I would also like to add that I think we might be living through the coldest winter on record.  Ok, it's probably not, but it been horrible.  This did not keep me from taking my kids outside for a little snowball fight though!  I think I earned a jewel in my "Best 5th grade teacher EVER" crown by taking them out to have a snowball fight!!

Our heater also went out this week, so, needless to say, it was crazy.


Last week, both kids made dinner one night.  They both got to choose the menu and then they made it, served it, and cleaned up afterwards.

Littlest boy is 5, and a little limited on what he can do in the kitchen.  By default, his first night was also a cub scout night, which also happened to be in our house.  So, chicken nuggets it is!  We had nuggets and green beans and they added fruit.  (they don't eat green beans, but ok.)  He set the table, set the nuggets in the oven, etc.  He set the table and served us.  He did very well actually.  He then proclaimed that next week his dinner was corn dogs and mac and cheese.  I can tell I will need to guide his dinner choices in the near future :)

Biggest monkey was a little more daring.  He chose chicken noodle casserole and salad.  We also had an artichoke that needed to be cooked so we had that.  (Yes, they eat artichokes.  Not green beans, but they will eat artichokes.)  He did great. Now he is ADHD so he's more of a challenge.  He needs a lot of redirecting and refocusing.  He also figured out it wasn't quite as easy as he thought it might be.  It didn't deter him, but it was a good learning experience.  He too has already picked out the next meal he's in charge of.

So this process has been delightfully positive.  Go figure.

Lunches:  I'm still trying to remember to look at night, but we are still struggling with that.  However, the mornings that they wanted to take, they DID pack themselves without much complaint.  I guided them on making sure they had a protein in there too.

Laundry:  HA.  The first week we told the oldest that he was doing all of it, from start to finish.  He thought he was only having to do it last week.  OOPS.  He was not happy when he learned that it was going to continue!  Lots of stomping and whining, but it got done!  He even put it away.  Little one too.  He's not a great folder, but we are taking baby steps!!

Bed:  fail.  Why a fail?  Cause I don't make my own bed.  So, I'm putting this on the back burner and attempting another time.

Pets:  We have always had the deal that our rat cage needs to be cleaned on the weekends.  Somehow, I would end up cleaning it.  No more.  I told them it was their job.  I would put it back together, but the rest is theirs.  They spent last weekend in the shower washing it down, squirting each other, griping and whining.  It got done, but it took forever.  This week, after letting them know that nothing fun was happening till cage was clean, they still griped, but then they actually cleaned it.  They had already dumped litter and put new in before I knew it.  They are figuring out what each can do so it's going faster.

Me:  Time.  It's all about the time.  And realizing that there are teachable moments all the time.  How to turn on the oven, how to start the washing machine, where to put the silverware etc.  None of this is already known, it has to be taught.  I am finding that both my hubby and I are looking for more teachable moments and our kids are eating up the attention.  Sad, but true.  We are on the right track though...

At this point, I'm not adding anything... this week.  We have two more dinners this week, we will do laundry again and keep on with lunches.  I'm thinking about what next week will add, but for now, they are doing very well.

Until next time...

What are we going to do about it? Step 1: floors, beds, lunches

At first I was still in denial and thought maybe they weren't really.  But they are.  Time to move on with a solution.

I'm sure none of you are obsessed with have ever heard of Pinterest.  Crazy, but it's become my Google.  So off I went to see what I could find.

Apparently a lot of other parents are feeling this way too.  There are five million chore charts by age on there.

But I needed something beyond a chore chart.  I needed something that's going to build character, make them uncomfortable, and learn to appreciate our family.

I came across this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Cleaning-House-Twelve-Month-Experiment-Entitlement/dp/0307730670

(I am not paid to endorse this book, or the author, or Amazon AT ALL.)

But it really spoke to me and made me realize that it wasn't just me.  It can be overcome and they will be better individuals at the end.  (fingers crossed.)

In a nutshell, she spends 12 months introducing new household expectations to her kids, while still holding them accountable for all of those before.  She starts small (which I like) and she adds humor (which I LOVE.)  Who can do this crazy parenting thing without humor???

After a few chapters,  I realized I had a new mission too.

I am determined to take the entitlement out of my children.

I had already given half hearted attempt at making my kids pack their own lunches.  There were times I forgot though and then here I am doing it for them again.

No more. Both are totally capable of doing this job.  Littlest monkey will continue to have cutting help, but overall, it's all his, with some guidance of food groups on my end.

Beds:  Ok.  I'm a failure at this.  I would love for them to make their beds every day.  But, the honest to goodness truth is I don't even make my bed every day.  Isn't that terrible???  So, jury is still out on this one.

Floors:  yes, we are doing this.  They are discovering that a little work each night is certainly easier than a whole lot on the weekends.

That's all I attempted at first, and it went well.  No, really.  It did.  I don't know why, but it's going pretty well.

My biggest problem:  me.  It's SO much easier, and faster, if I just do it.  But that's not helpful.  So I'm trying to allow myself more time to monitor and teach these lessons.  Oh yeah, you have to teach them.  They don't know without a model.  And it all takes time...

Our next step:

Laundry.

Lord help me.

Mom's new mission part 1: The horrific realization that my kids feel entitled.

Let me start by saying that I have taken ownership of  this.  After I stepped back and looked objectively at our kids I realized it.  That and other things that were happening on the school front made me realize:
Houston, we have a problem.

I think it started at Christmas.  The monkeys got everything they wanted.  Everything.  How could they possibly need or want any more?

I think it was 32 seconds flat and they were already asking for something else.  Half of what they just received WASN'T EVEN OPEN YET.

I was heart broken.  Then I was mad.  Then I was disgusted.

And then, I owned it.

We, as parents had done this.

It started with little things.  Going to the store, seeing Hot Wheels for $1 and thinking, eh, it's just $1.  No biggie.  Yeah, that looks fun, it's not that expensive.  Ok.  Going on a road trip, lets get a new movie so that they will stay occupied.

There are other things that we weren't necessarily in control over.  Our school just went 1:1.  I received a new macbook, Monkey 1 has a brand new iPad that is for school.  I already had my iPad.  Dad has his iPad.  I got a school iPad.  You can see what happened.

Technology magically appeared on our doorstep.  It does that right?  It's free right?

For them it is.  They don't know about the deposit I paid for insurance on the iPad.  They don't realize that this stuff isn't really ours, it belongs to the district.  I mean, it's in our house right?

Anyway, even after Christmas, the requests continued.

"Mom, you know what Joe has?  I think that's really cool, can we get it?"
"But Mom I need this AND that."

And then,

"BUT WHY NOT??"

Because I said so.  But that wasn't really the reason.

I was embarrassed.

Yes, we had cleaned out the playroom before Christmas and got our toys down to the bare minimum.  Yes they went with me to CCA and donated the toys.

For all they know, we dropped the toys off at some warehouse and they disappear and no one really gets them anyway.

So this Christmas realization opened my eyes to the fact we had a problem and we needed to fix it.  But even knowing where to begin was a huge problem for me.

Is the answer simply saying "no" all the time?  Would they learn from that?  What if they only receive gifts on Christmas and birthdays?  That would help right?  Certainly they would get it if I started saying no and not buying them things.

No dice.  The requests continued.  And then one more event was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Hubby and I took advantage of an opportunity to go away for two nights.  We left the kids with an awesome sitter.  She needed to grab some groceries for us and asked the kids if they wanted to go.

Monkey 1: "No that's ok, going to the store is boring if we don't get anything."

*blink*

Yup.  He said it.  He uttered the words.  He validated what I knew all along.

He felt entitled to new things whenever and wherever he wanted.

And there you have it my friends.

The beginning of my quest to take the entitlement out of my children.

I've decided I can't keep my mouth shut

So yeah.

Been over a year.

Lots has happened in that over a year.

We had another year with Dad that we were so grateful to have.

Monkey 2 started kinder.

Monkey One is in second grade.

I'm still in 5th, they won't promote me ;)

We moved, which was TOTALLY not on our radar but I feel certain this could be our forever home.

We lost Dad.

We gained new perspectives.

There might be a day that I dive deeper into all of these things, but for today, it's too painful.  (seriously, tears brimming typing that.)

Ok, not all of them painful, but lengthy...and quite possibly boring.

I came back because I have way to much to say about things these days and this is my only outlet.  Aren't you lucky??

So here goes.  Probably a lot of posts coming in the near future.  Be ready.